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Friday, August 15th, 2003
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yeah. it sucks to have your heart broken twice in one year. but that seems to be the going rate for me. i hate boys, i hate being there for someone only to have them completely destroy you, and most of all i hate being lied to.
if anyone has anything that will knock me out for a few weeks while allowing me to go to work and completely ignore him and feel no pain i would love to have it.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
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my shit is so glorious right now. never before has it been possible to witness such a happy mariah dean. this newfound glory can be attributed to a few things upto and including an amazing boy who has swept me off my feet, a new job that for once doesnt suck, and the fact that i just ate a stolen salmon dinner.
yeah. right now i have about 2 dollars in change until friday. but thats cool because jill and i just went to two grocery stores and combined jacked the following: twenty dollars in salmon, a bottle of wine, bottle of black label jim beam, grean beans, garlic, lemons, spinach tortellini, pesto and strawberry popsicles. a decadent, well-balenced meal. ooh, i also stole hot dogs, buns, and french fries for my poor-ass man so he too can eat dinner. we are soo good at being total kleptos.
so that amazing meal has me pretty stoked, but the main contributor to the smile on my face is my friendly little man. soo nice and good to me, yesterday i got a bouquet of roses. nevermind that they were a twenty-five cent write-off from work because i think that makes it even better and anyways it is always the thought that counts.
so anyway, if you want to witness my gloriousness you should go see numbers and magas tomorrow night. i am and it will be fucking fantastic!
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this weekend was interesting? umm. no. definitely very good. i had much fun on fridaty at the fireside for glass candy et al. danced my drunk ass off. it was glorious. sat was spent in the burbs at a graduation party for one of my favorite little girls and then i went to another party back in the city.
a very very drunk party. i was a naughty girl, talked of dirty things and participated in a dry-hump contest that was documented on vhs. sweet. sunday was also superrad and was aspent at a barbecue at my friends house with time on the roof.
right now i am a lobster. i fucking wanted a tan and a burn was what i got. that is bull shit. boo. softball tonight, come one come all...
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, June 21st, 2003
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so theres this boy. we could call him my boyfriend. maybe manfriend is better since hes five years older. anyway. talk about sweet mixtapes. just got one w/ teenage fanclub, the thermals, t. rex, mazzy star, primal scream, spiritualized, slowdive, the vaselines and more. pretty safe to say that i am quite smitten, but so is he. this shit is fucking glorious.
i have been drinking a lot. wed night involved the bar, then cjs where 8 of us proceded to dance, wrestle and set of smoke bombs and bottle rockets indoors and out the front window onto north. i look like a fucking beat-down wife with all of these fucking bruises. sweet.
and i got a job in the bakery at whole foods. who has to get up at 4 am next fri-sun?
so not sweet.
call me peeps.
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yeah man. im still a fucking drunk, but my shit is going good. super good. last night.....yeah the pink section is very bad for sobriety. very good for producing funriah and im really not sure why following cj's lead w/ maddog seemed like a great idea, or why i decided i needed to the the giant size. but it worked so well that i woke up drunk just in time to go out to breakfast w/ his mom. SWEET. my parent-schmoozing skills were not in effect.
but then we went to jewel and my thieving ones were...1 in the afternoon and i got a bottle of champagne, a giant bag of skittles and some ranch dip that fucking blows. boo to that.
and job shit!!!
somebody is actually applying her ass and gonna get a half-way decent job. foodlife, or bennigans or whole foods. they all want me. uh huh
club foot tonight...come all.
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mariah dean has been a happy drunk for the past couple of weeks. not too functional, but pretty fucking happy.
things that have been occupying my thoughts...
-white cheddar popcorn ( i am obsessed and can never find it, except when i am super full and not hungry. bummers!)
-a boy...or man
-finding a job w/ mucho dollars and hours
-cutting back on drinking
-playing with little kids. i love them!!!
today i looked for some jobs and then pulled some quality little molly hangout time at depaul. tonight its to the fireside. soo exciting.
uhhuh...get me a good paying job friends. please.
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for once medium mariah dean is happy and updating the livejournal. friendster has been consuming most of my internet energy as of late, but here i am. Stereolab rules. i have been listening to this album forever and esp. Les Yper-Sound (track 4) on repeat. makes me very smiley.
other things that are inducing this sweet mood include-
-free wits show tonight
-much more sobriety in the past few days than i have had in the last few months
-anti-depressents
-old boys being somewhat nice to me
-having crushes on boys that are reciprocated
-drinking plans tonight
-wearing my hair up for the first time in a while
-all of my nice friends!!!
so katie b and i have been trying to curb the drinking. im winning, but both are doing soo much better. of the past 5 days 2 have been super-sober, and on tuesday i only had like two shots of vodka. but tonight is probably a drinking/club foot night so yeah.
and last week i went on a stealing binge which included 4 items at bloomies for a total of $544 and then i had the balls to return a stolen skirt that got me a $134 credit. WHO is getting much needed new shoes w/ that? ME!!!!!
and boys. just when i was getting down again concerning the old one a new crush popped up and has left me oh so nervous, but pretty down for some fun.
ooh. yeah. party time tomorrow. i want to see all of my beautiful friends there.
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| Subject: | new york. |
| Time: | 5:09 pm. |
| Mood: |  chipper. | | Music: | sons of thunder practicing next to me...theres an accordian!. |
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bling just told me i look like new york...i think that means that he does not approve of all black and big hair when it is this beautiful out. fuck that. i like black.
so its friday. i have this crazy thought that i might try to spend my night super sober. i dont really think thats gonna happen, but it would be very interesting. so the new goal is no spending money on alcohol because i have barely 30 dollars to last the weekend. and i called my parents to tell them about my unemployment and ask for half of the 2 grand that my stepdads grandma left me when she died.
they said i cant have that money and that they were just going to write me a check. so sweet.
i want to go on dates. this is needed because i a. have no dollars and would love it if boys bought me food, and b. really would enjoy kissing some cute boys.
tell all of your friends. i WILL put out if they are hot enough.
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today i had a bizarre taste in my mouth...and for some reason i felt like it was the taste of someone else's mouth whom i kissed. but i dont remember kissing anyone for at least 4 weeks so im wondering if that is just another thing i might be forgetting about saturday night. but if i did kiss someone thats cool because missing out on the makeout is one of the reasons that im bummed about forgetting a good half of the evening.
aside from not having a job, i think a lot of my shit is sort of doing better. slinky b and i bought sombreros and the makings for margaritas last night in celebration of our mexican heritage and to prepare for a wonderful night at bowling. she didnt make it. i did, but not very well because for some reason i thought smoking pot after drinking a few was a good idea. it was not that bad of one though because i had a superfun evening that was capped of by stripping out of my clothes and passing out to disentegration, an album that for the past few months has been a constant source of tears, but that last night had no negative effects at all!!! the depression has disentegrated!
sweet.
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and the rain is seriously wiping out all motivation that i might possibly have to go find myself a job. boo to that. i have however emailed a good 10 resumes to places that i am probably not qualified at all to work at. sweet.
Find me a JOB!!!
Tuesday night Scalpels was INSANE!!! perhaps it was because a special little lady and i had consumed a bottle of champagne and a half pint of jim beam before we got there. uh hunh. scott says i was crazy at the show, but i dont really know why. I am obsessed with the "My shits fucked up" button and have constantly been referring to everything as shit, and usually calling it fucked up.
Tonight im gonna hit up the streetside and if i do happen to get drunk, it will only be off of vodka carried discreetly in my bag in a water bottle because i am one broke-ass girl.
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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
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Pennsylvania...what's a girl to do? my short trip was pretty decent; i managed to score some clothes and got some money for shoes...but now the shoe money has gone down to 80 bucks because it cost me major dollars to check my bike on the plane. but thats cool because now i have a working bike in chicago, i just need some help reassembling it. time with my family makes me appreciate my mother and the little boys a lot and leaves me very irritated w/ my stepfather and the 18 year old jock-o brother. AND it makes me very grateful for chicago and my friends. maybe im not going to move that soon.
while i was home i accomplished much more shit than i am usually capable of such as getting a new license, sorting through old clothing and refililng my celexa prescription. now i just need to tackle my chicago issues. Most pressing is getting a JOB! if anyone has leads let me in. seriously!!!
and i thought a lot about my plan for happiness:
-drinking four nights a week or less
-eating healthy
-riding my bike
-tackling much needed issues
-taking celexa
-getting a good job pronto
-cleaning out all of my clothing.
For that last one i want all the ladies on here to tell me when a good time for a frock swap would be. i can promise a shitload of clothing will be available on my part. some weekend afternoon would rule.
let me know.
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Wednesday, April 16th, 2003
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so i did not get fired from work on tuesday after my long 5 day weekend. i wasnt even nervous about talking to my boss when i showed up after ignoring her phonecalls all weekend. why? Becuase i was so FUCKING drunk from the crazy dance party the night before. umm. or maybe it was bowling and i was dancing. yeah. thats it. so anyway i went my first day in a good two weeks without any substances except cigarettes yesterday, but im not even sure if it really counts because i was good and drunk until after lunch.
i hate cookies. i think im getting carpal tunnel syndrome and it is way too fucking early for that to happen. and if i were to get that disease it should most definitely not be because ive been decorating too many cookies for lincoln park shitheads who dont care about spending a third of my rent on a bouquet of cookies.
and after avoiding my mother for two months i finally answered her call on friday to be told that she would love to have me home for easter...this is amazing! im going to think of it as a turning point to help me get out from under this stupid cloud of bummed-outness that has plagued me for the past few months because going home means:
-celexa prescription
-little boys to play with
-easter baskets filled with dollars and candy
-SHOPPING with my mom!
-retrieving my old spring clothes
-avoiding the gloom of Chicago for three whole days (and not just by lying in my bed)
yeah.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 10th, 2003
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| Subject: | ahhh |
| Time: | 10:12 am. |
| Mood: |  optimistic. | | Music: | new order. |
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i called out of work today for no apparent reason and now i need to get a dr. note before i can go back on monday. shit. and i totally forgot that i can get my paycheck today so that was really fucking dumb. 25 dollars to last through the weekend. that means that mad amounts of stealing will be occuring very very soon.
i need a new job!!! today. please.
last saturday after seeing my friend's awesome glam band, pixel and the chronic network at buddy, i headed over to ricks house and did the normal things you do there. around five in the morning after almost a pint of whiskey and other things we decided to go get burritos. a simple 5 block or so walk to el charro that was enhanced by a very drunk mariah tripping over the most minute crack in the sidewalk and fucking up her knee. its gross and it hurts. boo to that.
tonight written in the sand and of montreal. i dont really like of montreal, but go to schubas if you do. wits is pretty cool too.
sunday? everyone who is anyone should call my ass(773 294 8081) so that we can go on an adventure. im all about getting a little stoned and then hitting up a buffet of some sorts, OCB would be the venue of choice for me. The moral of this story is not to go to a buffet with the munchies and chow down, but rather to go in there with lined messenger bags and shitloads of tupperware and ziploc bags and leave with food for a week. I AM SERIOUS ABOUT THIS MISSION.
Melissa? you should hit this up w/ me.
lets do it!!!
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
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so on tuesday after i was fired my day turned out to be tolerable and that is all i can hope for. i hung out with friends at the apt. of bedhead2k2 and danced to prince and the revolution. all was well, but then a friend and i went home and much spooning was forced upon me. spooning that i really got a kick out of two or three months ago, but can not tolerate any more. i am far to sentimental. so many places, songs, smells remind me of past things and make me very sad. and that spooning was fucking killer. i cant do that!
wednesday was pretty decent. spent some much needed time with friends who i have seen far too little of lately and it went well enough.
this morning i woke up at 8 and intended to get here (depaul cyber cafe) by 9:30 or so to check out the reader job shit. its currently 10:20 and i just arrived, but thats cool. i had a revelation while watching oprah this morning; gail was going on blind dates and i was crying while hearing the stories of these mens' lives. more pathetic than crying during hallmark commercials, which i also do... so the revelation? i need to get back on some anti-depressants because there is no reason other than a chemical imbalance that i should wake up and start crying because of sappy shit on tv. but that means i need to call my mom. i guess i will. or maybe just answer her next phone call. yeah.
ok. reader ads. now!
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | . |
| Time: | 10:14 am. |
| Mood: |  drained. | | Music: | the cure-disintegration. |
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my life is a sack of shit.
speaking of which, guess who got sacked this morning? Oh yeah, the autistic people are "going to have to let me go"
fucking amazing. if i were in the slightest bit optimistic about anything i might think its not that bad and that i still have another job and absolutely abhorred that one anyway, but pessimism is more my cup of half-empty tea. so im listening to disentegration again. it sucks enough that i have been near crying for weeks now dealing with other shitty issues in my life, but now i am really, really poor too so i cant even afford to buy alcohol to calm myself down.
and my neck hurts so bad. i am crippled from the collar bone up, all due to sleeping poorly on sunday. i turn my whole body to turn my head. my parents think im dead and i cant return their phone calls because it has become a habit not to. soon i will have to because im going to need some of their funding.
i cant really think of anything that will make this all better without requiring a lot of effort on my side and in my current pathetic state i barely have the motivation to move from my bed...so yeah.
cool.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
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last night found a very drunk, and later quite fucked up mariah enjoying the company of lost friends.
ive been skeptical of the monday night bowling thingy but it works. it works really well if you are there with a gaggle of amazing people and drunk of your ass. bowling gets sad when they play pavement, but better when scott buys you another drink.
i need to not stay in my house. its fun outside. and i need monday night bowlers to call me and drag me away from the wimpyness i am so fond of sometimes.
tonight im going to pray that my shitty fake id will get me into bigwig. i know nothing about the place except that two spectacular brothers are djing there tonight and i need to see it. hopefully i will not get drunk. last nights debauchery that lasted until 4 am should not be repeated.
ooh. i totally freaked out and had to go buy arab strap and stephen malkmus tickets because i just knew they were going to sell out. guess who got #25 on the malkmus front?
the neurotic freak right here. sweet. buying tickets to shows over two months in advance. they are soo going to be lost by the time the events roll around.
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that subject is a quote from saturday night. i meant it.
i burnt my head on the curling iron this morning. worked with the autistic kid and cut out half an hour early from a 1.5 hour session. i hate working with him. actually i hate a lot of shit right now.
friday night i managed to get drunk and dance enough to forget about my life. but only until 1 am when i needed to leave the upstairs pe house party and lay down with disintegration and gameboy as my friends and company. they are the best friends a girl could want for.
saturday i limped to work and sat inside from 8am to 4pm at the cookie shoppe. went home, slept. sucked it up and made a phone call to secure plans for the evening. i wish i hadnt. i wish i could just sit alone and not feel any need to go out. best part of the evening was spent parked outside my house tackling issues with a new resource in that area. thanks to that boy. sunday i was able to forget about friends and spend the day in bed. it was a beautiful day, but the only movement i was able to make was to the kitchen to get water to wash the sleeping aids down with and two trips to the bathroom. oh. yeah, sometimes i was able to crawl out of my bed and change cds...
disintegration to suede, s/t
suede, s/t to suede, dogmanstar
dogmanstar to lemonheads
lemonheads to elliot smith
elliotsmith to pedro the lion
pedro the lion to helmet (angry non-sad time)
then to mogwai, arab strap and joy division
and back to the always comforting disentegration.
can you tell how happy i am?
and do you know what really sucks? when you cant listen to 60% of your collection of sounds because they are all ruined by pathetic attachments to people, places and things.
this beautiful, inescapeable weather is also bringing back some shitty memories. it leaves me longing for summers and springs spent with my little brothers and friends at home and remembering the unpleasantness that enveloped me this time last year. but i kind of enjoy it.
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and sitting in megan seelies dorm. cat stevens is on the stereo, her choice not mine. i dont like him, but do realize the niceness of his voice.
life has sucked lately. i am aimless. much energy at times with nowhere to direct it. issues to be tackled that i either put on the back burner and forget about because they are too much effort to deal with or am just afraid to tackle because i dont want the outcome to affect me in a negative way. i am a big wimp. need to get some balls.
yeah.
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Friday, February 28th, 2003
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it hurts so badly on the right side of my neck. i am sweating for no good reason and the muscles in my upper body ache as if i had lifted a tow truck. sick...
im going to go to work w/ the autistic kid for the 2nd time this week and i have already called out of cookies by design for today. im going to the doctor, i hate doctors. they scare me, and are probably going to tell my that i am dying rather than sick w/ a case of strep or something. ahhhhhh.
this weekend is going to be quite laid back. last night included a trek to the smart museum at u of c to watch friends make beautiful music and dj; i think that trip was the most excitement i will be seeing for a while unless i get stupid and decide to go do things...hold me back people.
im really scared of the doctor. i hope she gives me crazy painkillers for this horrible throat. it is so ugly at the back of my mouth. bright red and lumpy...nasty.
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Wednesday, February 19th, 2003
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my life could be getting really good.
im sitting at depaul with my new triple five soul bag and coat and looking very cute and feeling quite good. a bit of hefner on the stereo is enhancing the greatness.
yesterday was one of the best days ive had in a long time. scott and i both woke up by 7 to go to our jobs, but called out and had a day of leisure. i went to four thrift stores and got a super rad techy black nylon dress that makes me look like a futureperson. inhaled relaxing substances, drank some whiskey, talked to good kids and then went to the show at the fireside where two of my friends and i decided it would be a SERIOUS idea to rush our way to the front of the stage. not that great of an idea. my forehead is bruised and so are my knees that are now also decorated with little patterns of spots that are from the nubbies on the front of the stage. i would have been happier if they played older shit, but whatev.
now im off to work and then some quality hang out. really, really want to go to chili night and spend time with the amazing kids that have been lacking in my life for the past month or so but i already have plans. why does everyone decide they like me at once?
NC not COOL.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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pukeysuzuki's journal
exhausted.
giddy.
happy.
calm.
indifferent.
full.
apathetic.
anxious.
sick.